I’m a happy duck.
I’m a happy person, with my ups and downs, but nothing that really defines as something more than just being a normal person.
But it hasn’t always been like this.
Years ago I struggled with really bad anxiety and depression, due to what I’ve been through mentally and physically.
To be depressed people seem to think that something REALLY bad must have happened to you. Nothing has to happen to you, you can be depressed or have anxiety without knowing why. And that’s okay.
I’m in pain. The sort of pain that affects you mentally and physically. The sort of pain that can make you not want to do the most normal thing in the world. To have sex. To be in a relationship. To feel loved. To love. To hang out. To see other people.
And I know that I am not alone.
I get countless messages from women saying that they don’t know how to live this life because of what this condition might do to us, how it makes us feel, how it makes us act.
Yes, it might make you a crazy one – so crazy that your closest friends and family don’t know what is happening to you right now. Because, after all, it’s Just Sex.
No, it’s not just sex. It’s the ability to be close to a person, to open up and share about your pain, your history. To be close to someone. It’s about being able to let down your guard and feel safe and not judged when you burst out to tears during something that should be easy, normal, and feel good.
Sex. Such an easy thing. But no, not really.
Relationships. Such an easy thing. But no, not really.
And I’m not just talking about the relationship with your partner. When one of your friends asks, are you okay? And you have to stop and think, is this a person I feel safe with? Someone that won’t judge? Someone that can actually just listen without a face saying “this is so awkward how do I get out of this conversation”. Yes, when you’re taking about your vagina/vulva/painful sex/seeing a physiotherapist specializing in pelvic pain, there’s a face that people makes when they want to be a friend, but don’t want to hear you speak about a thing that might be interrupting your life, interrupting you as a person.
I’m lucky. I have someone that meets me in all of this, and I am so grateful.
I didn’t have anyone for years, I didn’t have you. All of you whom I’ve never met but meets me with respect every time I post something. All of you whom share what you’re going through.
I can go on and on about the connection between our conditions and mental health.
But I want to share something else:
Four weeks ago my anxiety started to crawl back in. I’ve had a lot of things happening in a short period of time and it just triggered something in me. And that’s okay. It’s scary and uncomfortable, but that’s okay.
There is a fear going around in the world right now, and many of us find it hard to deal with on top of everyday stress.
It’s important to remember to be kind to one another, because we don’t know what someone else might be going through, before all of this even started.
With love and kindness,